Goku and the Not So Jolly Giant
by Debs dragon
Summary: This is going to be the first in what we hope to become the Fairy Tale arc... a series of fics that defy all logic by placing our wonderful heroes in well known fairy tales and in the process destroying all normal conception of said fairy tales.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: We don't own the DBZ crew, a rich Japanese man does. We don't own the original fairy tale "Jack and the Beanstalk" and we don't want to either.

Rating: PG 13

Warnings: Parody, humor, insanity (Havoc's not mine!)

Notes: This is going to be the first in what we hope to become the Fairy Tale arc... a series of fics that defy all logic by placing our wonderful heroes in well known fairy tales and in the process destroying all normal conception of said fairy tales. *insert evil grins here*

Archive: -diaries. Anyone else who wants this bit of random insanity then just ask! ^_^

Goku and the not so Jolly Giant

January 2003 Debs-dragon & Havoc

"And so with the demise of the nasty giant the village once again began to prosper and grow. Jack and his mother became wealthy and lived happily ever after." Goku shut the book and stared into the sleepy face of his son. He reached down and tucked the blankets under Gohan's chin and placed a kiss to the top of his head. "Good night, son."

"Night, dad."

Goku shut the bedroom door softly and made his way back down to the lounge room where Chi Chi was currently engaged in watching a romance movie. She looked up when she spotted his form in the doorway. "Asleep?"

"Just about."

"Good." Chi Chi turned back to the television.

Goku wandered off into the kitchen to get a snack. Raiding the fully stocked 'fridge for sandwich fillings, he turned to the over stuffed pantry for the bread. With his stomach satisfied he went back into the lounge where the movie was coming to an end.

Chi Chi stretched and yawned. "I think I will be off to bed myself. You coming?"

"I'll be up shortly. I think I'll watch a bit more TV first."

"Okay." Chi Chi left and headed up the stairs leaving Goku with the remote.

Goku surfed through the channels looking for something interesting to watch. Time and time again he pressed the button. "Struth, with 67 channels and the cost of satellite you would think there was something decent on," he grumbled. Finally settling on the sports channel he sank back into the over stuffed chair to watch the wrestling, having decided that he may as well watch these guys making idiots of themselves.

Sounds of grunting, the slap of flesh against the hard canvas floor and the hysterical voice of the commentator permeated the lounge room air... along with the gentle snoring of the viewer in the chair, indicating just how riveting the program was.

~ oOo ~

Sunlight filtered through the curtains and washed over the face of the occupant sleeping in the chair. The static buzz of the television penetrated the Saiya-jin's brain and drew him from his slumber. His eyes opened blearily and he gazed around. "Damn! I must have fallen asleep in the chair," he said to no one. He stood up and stretched, feeling his spine pop as the kinks were eased out. His stomach gave a growl. "He, he, he. I think I need some breakfast."

Goku stared at the wavy lines on the screen and switched the unit off. "Funny... I don't hear the sounds of anyone else up yet," he thought and then dismissed it. Turning he went into the kitchen and went in search of food. He checked in the oven... nothing. "Huh?" He scratched the back of his head. "That's funny, Chi Chi usually leaves my breakfast for me. Oh well I guess I will just have to get it myself."

Goku opened the 'fridge. "Huh? Where did all the food go?" He stared forlornly into the empty refrigerator. "I know it was full last night." He shook his head. "Oh well, I'll try the pantry then." As Goku opened the pantry door so a musty smell greeted his nostrils and the echo of a squeaky hinge came back to him. He also came eyeball to eyeball with a rather thin looking mouse.

The mouse gazed right back into onyx and then darted a glance at a small piece of moldy cheese sitting in the corner of the shelf. Goku's eyes followed the glance. Before he had a chance to react, the mouse dived across the shelf, grabbed the piece of cheese and with a smug expression, high tailed it out of the pantry.

"About time you got up you lazy sod!"

Goku jumped at the sound of the voice and smacked his head on the top shelf. "Ouch.. sh.. crap!" He pulled out from within the small area rubbing the back of his head as he did so. "Dammit, Chi Chi, don't sneak... errr... Chi Chi?" Goku stared at the woman before him, she looked like Chi Chi, she spoke like Chi Chi, but the dress was different. Goku rubbed his eyes, he wasn't sure if the whack to the head had sent his optical senses haywire or not. He stared again. Nope his eyes were definitely showing him the same vision. Chi Chi standing in the doorway dressed in a brown shift type dress. At least he thought it was brown, given the number of unidentifiable substances that adorned the thin fabric it could have been any color. The shawl that lay draped over the slim shoulders was another thing. Threadbare and with holes beginning to form, Goku couldn't ever remember having seen his wife dressed so poorly. Chi Chi usually took great pride in her appearance. Her usual outfit of pink and purple was always clean and crisp, freshly laundered and ironed.

"Ummm... how come you're dressed like that?"

Chi Chi looked at him as if he had grown another head and then looked at her outfit. "What do you mean? I always dress like this."

"No you don't, you usually have on your purple and pink dress thingy."

Chi Chi dropped the bucket she was carrying to the floor with a loud thunk. Her hands went to her hips. "I haven't worn anything other than this for the past few years. In case you had forgotten we aren't exactly rolling in wealth you know." Chi Chi picked up the bucket and went to the sink.

Goku looked confused. "Ummm... so what's for breakfast?" He wasn't prepared for the sarcastic laugh that came his way.

"Breakfast? If you want to eat then I suggest you get off your lazy backside and get a JOB! then you can eat."

"But the fridge... it was full last night..."

Chi Chi sighed. "I don't know what's happened to you, Goku, but in case you don't remember we are poor, broke, penniless..."

"Oh. Broke? How come?"

"Because of the giant..."

"Giant?"

"Yes. The giant called Vegeta that came here one day and terrorized the village and took everything of value from everyone."

"Everything?"

"What are you? A blasted parrot?"

"Parrot?... Oh, sorry."

Chi Chi stared at him. "What's wrong with you?"

"Ummm... I don't know, I can't seem to remember anything after tucking Gohan into bed last night."

At the mention of Gohan's name Chi Chi's face clouded. "Gohan? Who the heck is Gohan?"

"Err... our son? You know, short, dark hair, black eyes sort of like a mini person..."

Chi Chi snorted. "Are you sure you haven't been eating those mushrooms again? You remember what happened last time you ate them."

"Huh?"

"Look, Goku, I need you to take the cow to the market and sell him."

"We have a cow?"

"Yes. Don't you remember anything? The giant turned my father into a cow just to spite me."

Goku couldn't help the small smile. His father-in-law, the Ox King, had been turned into a cow? No wonder Chi Chi had called the cow a him and not a her. Then he had an idea. "Hey, Chi Chi, we should keep the cow, I mean we can get milk, cream, butter, cheese and stuff from a cow."

Chi Chi raised an eyebrow. "If you think I'm going to go out there and milk my father then you have another thing coming."

Goku contemplated this for a moment. "Point taken. Maybe we could have a few steaks..."

Chi Chi's face turned purple.

"Or maybe not..."

~ oOo ~

A short while later Goku was on the track leading the cow towards the village and the market.

"Moo."

"Aw, shut up, It wasn't my decision to sell you."

"Moo."

"You can blame Chi Chi if you want to blame anyone."

"Moo."

"Can't you say anything else?"

"Moo... Moo?"

Goku continued walking. He spotted a figure coming towards them and stopped.

"Hello there my friend. And where may I ask are you taking this fine beast?"

"Moo?"

"Oh hi, Yajarobi. I'm taking the cow to the market to sell him."

"I think you may have me mixed up with someone else. I'm not this Yajarobi person but a mere merchant. So you are going to sell this fine beast?"

"Moooo."

"Umm, yeah. Why, you interested in buying him?"

"I might be. Tell you what, I have these magic sensu beans here. I'll swap you those for the spare ribs."

"MOO!?"

"You're not going to eat him are you?"

"Oh no, my friend, why would I want to turn him in to steaks, roasts and other succulent cuts when I can put him out in a paddock and watch him mow the grass?"

"Just checking."

"Moo...Moo..Moo?"

The merchant reached into his pocket and withdrew a small cloth bag. he opened it up and checked inside before pulling the drawstring closed again. "Here you go. Inside there are the magic beans. I'll swap you them for the cow."

Goku took the offered bag. "Umm can you hold the cow for a moment while I check?"

"Sure." The merchant took hold of the cow's rope. Goku opened the bag and peered into the dark depths.

"Hey... there's only three beans in here!" Goku looked up. The merchant and the cow had vanished. All he could hear was the forlorn echo as the wind brought the sound to his ears.

"Moooooooooooooooooooo..."

~ oOo ~

End part 1 TBC...


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: We don't own the DBZ crew, a rich Japanese man does. We don't own the original fairy tale "Jack and the Beanstalk" and we don't want to either.

Rating: PG 13

Warnings: Parody, humor, insanity (Havoc's not mine!)

Notes: This is going to be the first in what we hope to become the Fairy Tale arc... a series of fics that defy all logic by placing our wonderful heroes in well known fairy tales and in the process destroying all normal conception of said fairy tales. *insert evil grins here*

Archive: dragonball-diaries. 150m .com Anyone else who wants this bit of random insanity then just ask! ^_^

* * *

"Goku and the not so Jolly Giant"

January 2003 Debs-dragon & Havoc

Part 2

"Mooooooooooooooo..."

Goku looked around wildly but there was no sign of the merchant or his father-in-law/cow. It was as if they had vanished into thin air. Goku looked again at the bag of beans and then at the empty air before scanning the beans once more.

"I am so in for it," he said out loud. Goku scratched his head as he tried to think up a way to explain his current predicament to Chi Chi. "Hmmm... maybe if I tell her I misplaced the cow but found these beans instead? Nah that won't work she would never believe I could just find some beans like that. I know, the cow jumped over the moon? Nah that won't work either, the climatic conditions aren't right for take off. I guess I will just have to cross that bridge when I come to it."

Not wanting to face the wrath of his wife for a while yet, Goku set off along the track. He wondered idly about the beans he held and what was so magical about them. They looked just like ordinary beans, well almost. The color and shape of them reminded him of a certain part of Krillin's anatomy. Smooth, soft and shiny with a subtle covering of baby soft fuzz. Yep they sure looked a lot like Krillin's head... (What did you think we were gonna say? ^_^ )

A little further down the track he spotted a wolf. He slipped behind a tree and watched what the wolf was up to. Said wolf was approaching what appeared to be a hay stack. Goku scratched his head again as the wolf blew at the hay stack. Thinking the wolf could probably do with a hand, and being a helpful person, Goku wandered over. "Hey buddy what you trying to do?"

The wolf looked at him through sly yellow eyes. The wolf replied sarcastically, "I'm trying to start a barbecue, what does it look like I'm doing?"

"Oh, in that case let me help you out." Goku raised his palm and sent a smallish ki blast at the hay stack.

*Whoosh*

The haystack instantly ignited and within seconds was reduced to a smoking pile of ash with a blackened figure sitting in the middle. The figure blinked a couple of times before speaking. "What did you do that for?"

The wolf's eyes gleamed. He liked his pork medium rare.

"Errr... I just thought I would help out a little."

"Look mate, I don't know where it is you came from, but you didn't help out at all. In fact, you just managed to destroy a rather well known childrens icon... namely me. Now I suggest that whatever fairy tale it is you sprang from you get yourself back there and leave the rest of us to act out our own!"

Goku stepped back and left. He pondered this thought as he trudged once more upon the track. his mind wandered in circles until he suddenly found himself flat on his back, having walked right into a tree in his garden that he didn't have.

"Goku? Is that you?" The shrill voice of Chi Chi pierced the unusually quite air.

"Uh oh... The calm before the storm," thought Goku.

"Did you manage to sell the cow? How much did you get for him? Can I go shopping now? I really need to get some new makeup," Chi Chi's voice sang out from the house/shack/hut/hovel.

"Ahhh...cow?...What cow?" Goku scrambled his thoughts to try to come up with a good excuse to explain the beans.

"What do you mean what cow?! My father, you idiot. You know the big, fat, hairy brown thing with four legs, a tail and an udder," screamed Chi Chi.

"Oh..._That_ cow...Uhhhh."

"You did take him to the market. Didn't you?"

"Uhhhh..."

"You know, market... the place with stalls and produce... you buy and sell stuff there." Chi Chi was becoming more animated by the minute.

"Ahh...that market..."

Chi Chi's eyes narrowed and a dangerous glint appeared in them. "Why do I get the feeling that something isn't quite right here?"

"Errrr..."

"Goku?"

"Yes?"

"Is there something you need to tell me?"

"Ummm... Well I was on my way to the market..."

Chi Chi tapped her foot.

"...when I met this merchant guy."

"And?"

"Well... hewantedthecowsohesaidhewouldgivemewhatwasinthebag inexchange."

*Blink* "Errr... do you think you can run that by me one more time only in English please?"

Goku took a deep breath. "Well... he wanted the cow so he said he would give me what was in the bag in exchange."

Chi Chi crooked an eyebrow and held out her hand expectantly.

Goku trembled a little as he handed over the bag.

Chi Chi took the bag and opened it. Peering into the depths her color began to change from a rather flushed pink to a fetching deep red. "What the Hell do you call this!?"

Goku's eyes widened as he watched his spouse power up to super human level 2. It was not a pretty sight. Goku swallowed hard. "Uhh beans? They are supposed to be magical."

Holding her temper (barely) Chi Chi looked him in the eye. "I don't care if they belong to the Pope! You're telling me you swapped the cow for three beans!?"

"But Chi Chi, it wasn't my fault."

"Oh?"

"IaskedhimtoholdtheropewhileIcheckedwhatwasintheba gandwhenIlookeduphehadvanishedwiththecow."

"Uh?"

"I suppose it isn't really all that bad though."

"And what do you mean by that?"

"The old saying."

"And what saying would that be?"

"You know. Beans, beans, are good for the heart, the more you eat the more you fart, The more you fart the better you feel, so eat beans for every meal..."

*Thud*

"Was it something I said?" Goku stared down at the unconscious form of Chi Chi. "I guess that went better than expected." Goku stepped over the prone form of his wife and went inside for a glass of water. A few minutes later Chi Chi's form appeared in the doorway. "Damn! I knew it was too good to last," thought Goku.

Chi Chi's face looked ready to kill.

The air was silent... the tension was thick... a tumbleweed blew past the open doorway... the sky was crystal clear... a crack of thunder came out of no where.

*Insert typical western twang of guitar strings to signify a show down is about to commence.*

Goku backed up slowly, Chi Chi began to advance... guns drawn... and then let him have it with both barrels.

"I can't believe you could be so thick as to swap the cow for three stupid beans!"

"But..errr..."

"What am I supposed to cook up with three beans? I can't even make a three bean salad as I don't have the rest of the ingredients."

"But..."

"If you're so smart I suggest you come up with something I can make!"

Goku scratched his head. "Ummm... beans on toast? Minus the toast?" he offered helpfully.

"ARRRRGH!" Chi Chi exploded.

Goku scrambled frantically for the window and shot outside where he could listen to his wife's tirade in relative safety. From the sounds of things he had only just made it in time too.

Chi Chi continued to rant about her husband's uselessness, giving vent to her anger on anything and everything that came within her sight or grasp.

Goku heard a squeak and looked down. The thin mouse had also beat a hasty retreat and now sat looking bewildered at Goku's feet.

"Of all the stupid, idiotic, nonsensical, harebrained, absurd, feeble minded things to do..."

Goku sighed as the ranting continued, then ducked as a familiar looking bag was thrown from the window. The bag landed on the ground with a soft plop. The mouse looked at Goku and then to the bag, his whiskers twitched. Goku looked at the mouse and then to the bag, his eyebrows twitched. With a flurry of fur, feet, claws, arms, tail and legs they both shot off to grab the bag.

"Got it! Hah! Beat you that time you renegade rodent." Goku clutched the bag defensively to his chest.

The mouse stuck his nose in the air, gave a low growl before turning and giving Goku *the tail* and marching off.

Goku stared and blinked then opened up the bag determined to eat the beans as Chi Chi obviously didn't want them. He reached inside... Nothing. He up ended the bag and shook it... Nothing.

Goku frantically scrabbled around in the dirt looking for the lost beans. After searching for a good few minutes he still came up empty handed. Finally accepting that the beans were well and truly gone, he gave up the search and resigned himself to not eating that night. Slouched up against the wall of the house/shack/hut/hovel and waiting for Chi Chi to calm down enough for it to be safe to return, he fell asleep.

~ oOo ~

tbc...


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: We don't own the DBZ crew, a rich Japanese man does. We don't own the original fairy tale "Jack and the Beanstalk" and we don't want to either.

Rating: PG 13

Warnings: Parody, humor, insanity (Havoc's not mine!)

Notes: This is going to be the first in what we hope to become the Fairy Tale arc... a series of fics that defy all logic by placing our wonderful heroes in well known fairy tales and in the process destroying all normal conception of said fairy tales. *insert evil grins here*

Archive: dragonball-diaries. 150m. com Anyone else who wants this bit of random insanity then just ask! ^_^

Goku and the not so Jolly Giant

January 2003 Debs-dragon & Havoc

Part 3

The birds were chirping as the sun broke through and caressed the sky with her rays. Would have been nice if that's how it actually happened, but in reality it was a loud crash of thunder and bucketing rain that awoke Goku. It took Goku a few moments to determine that it actually *was* thunder he was hearing and not Chi Chi's voice as he first thought, not that Chi Chi was silent. On the contrary she was still ranting on inside the house/shack/hut/hovel.

Goku sighed. Some things never change. He looked up to see why it was so dark. Even if the sky was covered with black angry clouds it wasn't usually this dark... and that sound... pitter, pat, pitter, pat. Raindrops didn't sound that soft, it was more like a crash bang of the full percussion section of the local orchestra on the tin roof!

Goku looked around. "Huh?"

A brown furry bundle stood with his leg cocked against the trunk of a...

"What the?"

The mouse turned its beady black eyes and stared at Goku. It squeaked. Was there no privacy?

"Now there's an idea," Goku said as he stood and walked over to the trunk to relieve himself. As he stood there so his eyes traveled upwards, brain kicking into gear and informing him that since when did they have a bloody great beanstalk in the front garden?!

Mouth open with shock he turned to the mouse. "Errrr... Did you do that?"

The mouse looked thoughtful before giving an indignant squeak. It stood on its hind legs, forepaws resting on his hips and proceeded to let fly with a torrent of squeaks. Translated (courtesy of Havoc) to say... "What the hell do I look like?! Part of the Backyard Blitz team?"

"Touchy, touchy." Goku scratched his head. "Wonder where it came from then... and more so, where does it go?"

The sound of Chi Chi's ranting getting closer and louder was all the persuasion Goku needed to find out just where this green thing went. He looked at the mouse. "You coming?"

The mouse paused and turned his head at the sound of Chi Chi. Mind made up he scampered over and ran up the inside of Goku's trouser leg.

Goku suddenly began to do a rather weird rendition of the Macarina as the furry creature fought his way through unexplored territory to stick its head out the top of Goku's shirt. "Oh there you are." said Goku a little relieved. "For a moment there I thought I had lost you."

The mouse squeaked... "Well I had to work my way through some pretty tough vegetation... When was the last time you had your bikini line waxed?"

"My what?"

"Forget it buster... Let's get climbing, the Hag from hell will be here any second."

"Got you." Goku took a firm hold of the lowest branch and began to climb the stalk.

~ oOo ~

"Are we there yet?" asked Goku as he swiped another fistful of beans from the bough he was passing.

The mouse rolled his eyes and looked up from within Goku's shirt. "Not yet."

5 mins later...

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

Another 5 mins later...

"Are we there yet?"

"What are you? A broken record?"

5 mins later...

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

5 mins later...

"Are we there yet?"

"Geeeze." The mouse looked down. "Ummm Goku?"

"What? Are we there?"

"Ummm, No, not yet, but someone is following us." The mouse pointed to the figure of Chi Chi a few boughs behind them.

"Damn! How the heck did she managed to catch up so quick?"

"Don't worry about that now... we need to do something and quick."

Goku stopped his climbing and waited.

"What are you doing?" squeaked the mouse. "She's nearly here, move it mate or you will be getting the ear bashing from hell and I will become mouse stew!"

There was a growling and then a rumbling from Goku's insides.

"What the?"

Goku's eyes squeezed shut and his face began to turn red.

"Uh oh..." The mouse ducked his head back inside Goku's shirt and held his breath.

*Fisst... Flurp... whoosh...*

"Oh my god! That's just foul!" said Chi Chi as the wave of odor passed over her. She went to pinch her nose and clamp a hand over her mouth, realizing too late that she needed both hands on the stalk to maintain her position. With wide eyes she gracefully fell to the ground...

"Oh my. I hope she didn't hurt herself," said Goku as he looked down at his wife's unconscious form spread out at the base of the stalk.

"I doubt it," squeaked the mouse. "She only fell about six feet."

"Huh?"

"Look." The mouse pointed.

"But we have been climbing for ages."

"Heard of the saying going nowhere fast?"

"Errr..."

"I suggest if you want to get to the top of this beanstalk, not to mention the end of the story before the authors grow old and gray and are searching for their dentures, that we get a MOVE ON!"

"Okay! Okay! No need to shout." Goku once more began to climb.

~ oOo ~

Sometime later...

"Oh wow."

"Z..z...z...z...z...z...z...z...z...z...z..."

"Will you look at that."

"Z...z...z...z...z...z...z...z...z..."

"Now that's cool."

"Z...z...z...z...z...z...z...z...z..."

"Hey mousie... Wake up, you gotta check this out."

"No... no please I can't eat anymore... Uh.. What? Where are we?"

"Look, mousie, we made it."

The mouse looked up and rubbed his eyes. They were still clinging to the beanstalk, surrounded by swirling clouds. In the distance stood a rather imposing building. "Now what?"

Goku paused. "Well I was kinda hoping you would have a few ideas on that one."

"Why me? I'm just a poor, harmless field mouse that got dragged along for the ride. Do I look like Einstein to you?" The mouse folded his paws in disgust.

"I suppose we should go and check it out."

"Well it's a waste of a climb if we don't."

Goku ignored the rodent and stepped off the beanstalk. The clouds continued to swirl around him as he cautiously made his way towards the funny shaped building in the distance. It reminded him of something...

The mouse watched from its place tucked inside Goku's shirt.

"This reminds me of snake way... minus the snake... and the way..." thought Goku. "I wonder if you can eat this stuff?" Goku stooped and grabbed a handful of the swirling, white cotton. Eagerly he stuffed it in his mouth... and promptly spat it out. "Yuk! Ack! That's horrible."

"I wouldn't go insulting the clouds you know..."

"Why not?"

*Zap*

A lightning bolt shot out and caught Goku in the rear, Goku jumped a mile and madly fanned at the smoke emanating from his backside. "Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!... Oh boy... That hurt..." he cried out dancing around.

"It doesn't pay to insult mother nature," stated the mouse smugly.

"I see why. She's got a temper worse than Chi Chi." Goku quickly dodged another lightning bolt. "I think we should get going."

"Good idea."

Goku took off at a run in the direction of the odd looking building, lightning bolts chasing him and connecting from time to time. A few moments later he found himself at the base of the funny building.

"This looks a lot like Kami's lookout." Goku looked around, no sign of anyone. Cautiously he made his way to the large doors that stood beneath a canopy. The closer he got the larger the doors seemed until Goku was standing at the base looking up. "Wow! Either I have shrunk or Dende has taken on a growth spurt. This place is huge!"

The mouse smirked. "Welcome to my world."

"Okay small fry, I get the gist. I wonder who lives here? How are we going to get in? I hope they have some food, I'm starved, those beans didn't fill me up much."

"There's a chip in the bottom of the door over there. I'm sure you can squeeze through that."

Goku moved to where the mouse pointed and squeezed through the small gap. He gazed around at the room in front of him. To say it was huge was an understatement. Suddenly the ground shook and a voice thundered through the air space as a spiky haired, evil eyed, sweaty spandex clad giant entered the room.

"Fe... fi... foe... ahhh screw that!

I'm sick and tired of this game I'm playing,

I smell the scent of a third class saiya-jin,

Be he alive or be he dead,

If he comes near me I'll punch him in the head!"

"Oh Shit! I'm so screwed," thought Goku as he ducked inside a cupboard to hide.

~ oOo ~

tbc...


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: We don't own the DBZ crew, a rich Japanese man does. We don't own the original fairy tale "Jack and the Beanstalk" and we don't want to either.

Rating: PG 13

Warnings: Parody, humor, insanity (Havoc's not mine!)

Notes: This is going to be the first in what we hope to become the Fairy Tale arc... a series of fics that defy all logic by placing our wonderful heroes in well known fairy tales and in the process destroying all normal conception of said fairy tales. *insert evil grins here*

Archive: dragonball-diaries. 150m. com Anyone else who wants this bit of random insanity then just ask! ^_^

Goku and the not so Jolly Giant

January 2003 Debs-dragon & Havoc

Part 4

Goku looked out from the crack in the cupboard, this guy was enormous! _"He looks a lot like Vegeta,"_ Goku thought. _"I wonder if it is_ _him, and if so, what is he doing here?"_ Turning back to the mouse he whispered, "I think we should stay here for a while."

"I agree," replied the mouse.

"Just until we know exactly who he is and what the set up is."

"I'm with you."

The giant stood in the middle of the room and looked around. "I know there is a third class Saiya-jin in here somewhere, I can smell him." The giant's nose wrinkled as he sniffed the air. "Now where is it hiding?"

The giant moved around the room, searching about for any sign of the Saiya-jin. He found none.

Feeling a tad frustrated he sniffed the air again. "Phew! What is that stench?" He looked around still sniffing. Then he sniffed at himself, he raised an armpit and sniffed.

Bad move.

His eyes rolled and face crinkled. "Awww that's just vile. I think I need a shower." He turned and stomped off out through the doorway.

As the sounds of footsteps receded so Goku stuck his head out of the cupboard. "That was close."

"You can say that again," piped up the mouse.

"That was close."

The mouse rolled his eyes and banged his head against Goku's chest. "I give up," he muttered.

"Let's have a look around while he's gone." Goku slipped out from the cupboard and into the room. He gazed around at the size of everything, it was huge. A table stood in the middle of the room with four chairs around it. Goku couldn't see what was on top and he didn't fancy climbing up there right now so he amused himself by checking out the rest of the contents of the kitchen. The sink looked like a hazardous place to go, pots pans and crockery all balanced precariously on top of one another. One wrong move and the lot would come crashing down. "Geeze, doesn't this guy do any housework?" muttered Goku as he side stepped a pile of god knows what on the floor.

"I bet he has some food in that refrigerator," the mouse said as he eyed off the large, white appliance.

"Food? Where?"

"Over there."

"Ahhh." Goku high tailed it across the assault course of the floor, jumping over large boots, trudging waist deep through dust bunnies and braving the deadly gas field of the rotting socks. Finally he arrived at the 'fridge... and looked up... and up... and up... He scratched his head.

"The handle is a bit high, don't you think?"

"No shit Sherlock."

"Then how are we supposed to open it?"

"Hey, I just suggested that there might be some food in there, I never said I knew how to get into it. After all, you're the one with the hands here buddy."

"Hmmm. Maybe if we explore down there a bit we might find something to help us solve this little dilemma." Goku began to stride off in the direction of the hall way. The mouse had no choice but to go along seeing as how he was still hiding inside Goku's shirt.

A crack of light appeared under a door a little way down the hall. Goku crept quietly towards it. The door wasn't shut properly, so being the inquisitive little devil that he was, he stuck his head around and looked inside.

... and back pedaled rapidly.

"Ahh, my eyes... my eyes..." Goku tried to keep his voice down as he clawed at his face.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" called the mouse while he clung desperately to the material of Goku's shirt.

Goku stopped his frantic clawing and stood shaking. "That was _not_ a sight I needed to see."

"What sight?"

"The giant in the shower, water running, soap, skin..." Goku shuddered. "I think I'm gonna puke."

"WHO'S THERE!?" the giant's voice boomed out from within the bathroom.

"Exit... stage left," Goku said as he sprinted down the hallway and back to the kitchen. He quickly hid in the cupboard again as a wet, towel clad giant came thumping into the room.

"Grrrr... I'm positive there is someone here," grunted the giant. "When I find you I will pound you into the dirt," he called as he scanned the kitchen. With a humph he turned around and went to finish dressing.

"Whew! That was close," said Goku as he let out the breath he had been holding.

"Yeah, a few more seconds and he would have caught us."

"A few more seconds and my eyesight would have been permanently damaged," Goku replied as he rubbed his eyes.

"Shhh... He's coming back."

Goku shut up and peeked around the edge of the cupboard door again. Sure enough the giant was coming back into the room.

Vegeta the giant strode over to the 'fridge and opened the door, he scanned the contents before slamming it in disgust. He opened the freezer and fiddled in the depths, pulling out a cardboard carton. Ripping the box open he stuffed the small container in the microwave and pushed the buttons. The machine kicked into life and began to heat the plastic tray and its contents.

While his dinner was 'cooking' Vegeta the giant searched for a clean knife and fork, finally locating a set as the microwave beeped to let him know it was done. He removed the carton and peeled back the plastic, "Ouch! Damn thing is hot, why don't they ever put warnings on these things?" the giant snarled.

"They do. It's just that you don't read them," a melodic voice floated through the air.

Goku looked up. "Who was that?"

"Not a clue," replied the mouse.

Vegeta the giant scraped back a chair and sat down, putting his food on the table. He reached across and pulled something towards him. "Sing for me while I eat," he commanded.

Goku managed to shimmy up the handle of the mop that was stashed in the cupboard he was hiding in and got a better view of the kitchen. "Oh wow," he said as he took in the sight before him. "Oh crap," were his next words as the voice began to sing. He quickly covered his ears to block out the noise and promptly slid back down the handle, scoring a few splinters on the way.

The ever helpful mouse disappeared inside his shirt and then returned a few moments later clutching a paw full of chewed up fabric. "Here, shove that in your ears."

"What the? Where did you get this from?"

"You know your boxer shorts?"

"Uh huh."

"Well they are boxer briefs now."

"Oh."

Climbing back up the handle again, this time with ears safely protected against the wailing, Goku was able to see where the infernal noise was coming from. There on the table by the eating giant sat a golden harp. The workmanship was exquisite, even Goku could appreciate that some time had gone into carving and shaping that masterpiece. The one end of the harp however seemed to be alive. Well there was a figure of a woman carved there, only the head and upper torso were moving about and the mouth was busy 'singing'

"Either that giant is tone deaf or a masochist," grumbled the mouse.

"Yeah. There is only one other person I know of who's voice grates on you like that... Bulma."

Goku squinted at the figure. Yup, Bulma all right. He rubbed his temples wearily, this whole nightmare was beginning to get to him. What the heck was going to happen to him next?

The giant finished his meal and tossed the empty carton to the side. Telling the harp to be quiet, he stood and walked to the far side of the room and retrieved a cage. Returning to the table he placed the cage on the surface and opened the door.

Goku nearly fell off the pole. Inside the cage was a goose. He watched intently as Vegeta the giant stuck his hand in the cage and began to remove something. Goku frowned.

"Looks like you have been a good goose today," Vegeta the giant said as he withdrew his hand from the cage. He held up a large, green colored egg.

"A goose that lays emerald eggs?" whispered Goku.

"Either that or they are seriously off," snorted the mouse.

Goku strained his eyes to see the goose. It was green.

The harp began to sing again, lulling the giant. "I'm going to take a little nap I think. Goosey, I want to see at least four more eggs there by the time I wake up."

The goose made a funny sound.

The giant leaned back in his chair and put his feet up on another chair. His hands folded across his stomach and his head leaned back as his eyes slipped shut.

Goku and the mouse waited patiently inside the cupboard until they were sure that the giant had fallen asleep. After what seemed like ages to Goku, he finally poked his head out of the cupboard and looked around. The giant lazed back in his chair, the steady rise and fall of his chest the only indication he was breathing.

A scrape of a nail down his chest alerted him to the mouse's presence.

"Ow! What'ch do that for?"

The mouse looked at him, his little mouth moving.

"Huh? I can't hear a thing. Oh no! I'm deaf... I can't hear!" Goku began to panic.

The mouse scampered out of Goku's shirt and raced up his shoulder, reaching the ear he yanked out the 'packing'. "I said, the giant is asleep!"

"Geeze no need to yell." Goku rubbed his ear. "How can you tell?"

" Z...Z...Z...Z...Z...Z...Z...Z...Z...Z"

"Oh."

The room shook slightly with each snore as the volume increased.

" Z...Z...Z...Z...Z...Z...Z...Z..."

The windows began to rattle.

"I think if you intend to see what else there may be on that table we get going now before this whole place caves in around us," said the mouse.

"Good idea." Goku left his hiding spot and snuck across the floor. Reaching the table leg he looked up. "Ohhh kayyyy." He opened his hands up and spat into them before rubbing them briskly together.

"What the?" asked the mouse.

"Dunno. I just saw it on a movie once and always wanted to try it." Goku grinned and took a firm hold of the table leg.

The mouse rolled his eyes. "Okay Rambo, let's get going."

Goku climbed up the table leg, reaching the top he hauled himself over the edge and stared. The harp sat to one side glittering, the figure of Bulma silent as she dozed. Across from the harp sat the cage with the green goose in it. To get to the goose though they had to pass around a minefield of condiments, wrappers and the discarded container from the Giant's meal.

"Wonder if there are any left overs?" mused Goku as he paused by the container.

"We don't have time for that now," came the mouse's stern voice.

"Damn." Goku continued through the maze until he wound up at the cage. Looking at the goose there was something familiar about it. Goku scratched his head and sighed.

Hearing the noise the goose turned its turban clad head around to see where the noise was coming from.

"Piccolo?" gasped Goku.

tbc...


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: We don't own the DBZ crew, a rich Japanese man does. We don't own the original fairy tale "Jack and the Beanstalk" and we don't want to either.

Rating: PG 13

Warnings: Parody, humor, insanity (Havoc's not mine!)

Notes: This is going to be the first in what we hope to become the Fairy Tale arc... a series of fics that defy all logic by placing our wonderful heroes in well known fairy tales and in the process destroying all normal conception of said fairy tales. *insert evil grins here*

Archive: dragonball-diaries. 150m .com Anyone else who wants this bit of random insanity then just ask! ^_^

Goku and the not so Jolly Giant

January 2003 Debs-dragon & Havoc

Part 5

"Huh?" The goose honked softly.

Goku scratched his head. "You remind me so much of a friend of mine. He's green too and wears a turban. Strange thing is, he also lays eggs."

"He does?" the goose asked quietly.

"Yeah he does, but it's all getting a little confusing right now." Goku scratched his head again. "You see, one minute I was watching the television and the next minute I was here in this nightmare."

"Sounds familiar." The goose rolled its eyes. "I've been trapped here in this castle for as long as I can remember. I haven't seen the sun or fresh fields for ages."

The mouse squeaked. "I hate to disturb this little reunion, but the Giant is not going to remain asleep for long."

"Oh yeah," Goku said sheepishly. "I forgot about him.

The mouse rolled its eyes.

"Hey goosey, what sort of eggs are those you're laying?"

"I'm not completely sure, but I think they're emerald eggs."

"Emerald eggs, huh?" Goku whistled. "They would sure be worth a lot of money then."

"I guess so," the goose replied.

"Raise the flags... we have a genius," the mouse muttered.

"No need to be sarcastic," Goku huffed.

"Look, Einstein, why don't you grab the goose and that harp thingy and high tail it back down the vine to your wife. I'm sure she would forget about how upset with you she is when you bring her these gifts."

"Mousey, I have to hand it to you. You're really smart."

"Good thing one of us is or else heaven knows where we would have ended up by now," the mouse replied.

"Do I have to take the harp thing though?"

"Why not?"

"I have a feeling that two women in the one house isn't exactly going to work. I mean you have seen for yourself just how bad Chi Chi can get."

"Good point." The mouse thought for a moment. "You can always sell it."

"I like your thinking."

Goku tucked the goose under his arm and moved swiftly across the table to where the harp was sitting. The figure was still sleeping. Being as careful as he could Goku lifted the harp and began his retreat. The Giant still snored on, oblivious to the theft taking place under his feet.

Somehow Goku managed to tuck the harp under his other arm and looked over the edge of the table. "How the heck am I supposed to get down there with a goose under one arm and a harp under the other?"

The mouse opted to hide inside Goku's shirt. He figured he'd helped out enough today, let the guy figure this one out for himself.

"I know." Goku carefully placed the harp and the goose on the table top then turned and got himself into position for climbing down. He reached for the goose and dragged him over. "You're a bird so you can fly down." he said and proceeded to dangle the goose over the edge before letting go.

"Honk!"

*Thud*

With a flurry of green feathers the goose plummeted to the floor.

"Crap!" Goku grabbed the harp again and quickly slid down the table leg and raced to where the goose was beginning to stand, shaking its head groggily. "I thought birds could fly?" he said as he dusted off the goose.

"Usually we can, but I've been cooped up here for so long now that my wings have atrophied," the goose huffed.

"Errr... sorry." Goku picked up the green bundle.

"Come on... we don't have much time," the mouse said as he stuck his head out of the top of Goku's shirt.

"Right." Goku turned and began to head for the door.

The harp chose that moment to wake up.

One moment the harp had been having this wonderful dream... She was with her giant, their cadence and rhythm building to the final crescendo and then the movements became disjointed, shaky and rough. Her eyes blinked open and she jolted wide awake. The movements she was experiencing were causing her strings to vibrate together rather uncomfortably.

Looking around she found herself tucked under an arm and moving away from her beloved giant, and ohh the smell...

Bulma thought her gold plating was going to peel off with the odor. Hadn't this guy heard of deodorant? Trying to close off her olfactory system she took stock of the situation. She was tucked under an armpit... a smelly armpit; opposite her, under the other armpit was the goose. He didn't seem to be all that perturbed by the rank scent of the person's armpit... Or maybe he was, given that his head was swinging rather loosely from side to side on the end on his long neck.

Summoning up her *vocal chords* the harp began to sing out. She didn't want to leave her giant and it seemed that this was what her captor had in mind. She felt her strings vibrate as she pushed everything she had into the sound.

"HELP!"

"Argggg..." Goku screamed and did his best to plug his ears from that infernal sound, which wasn't easy as his arms were currently full.

"I agree!" squeaked the mouse as he dived back inside Goku's shirt to retrieve the ear plugging from earlier. Quickly he ran up Goku's neck and taking a firm hold of Goku's hair he shoved the stuff back into his ears, saving a little for himself.

"Thanks!" Goku yelled his appreciation.

"No problem, now get us the hell out of here."

"HELP!" sang the harp.

The giant began to stir

"Trust Bulma and her big mouth... She never did know when to shut up," muttered Goku as he continued to sprint for the door.

The giant's eyes opened fully as the screech hit his ears again. He looked around and immediately spotted the fleeing figure, along with his goose and harp. With a roar, the giant stood and began to pursue. While he wasn't all that concerned for the harp, after all it wasn't exactly music to his ears, he was rather attached to the goose... or the emerald eggs to be exact.

"Dammit!" Goku cursed as he realized the giant was fully awake and now after him.

"Run faster!" yelled the mouse.

"What?"

"I said, run faster!" the mouse screamed again as he removed the packing from Goku's ears.

"No need to yell," Goku huffed. He could feel the ground shaking under his feet as the giant began his chase. His legs moved faster and he began to wish he had paid a little more attention to his speed training rather that beefing up his muscles.

The door loomed before him and Goku quickly darted outside and into the swirling mass of cloud. He paused for a moment as his head swiveled from side to side. "Which way to the beanstalk?"

The mouse stuck its head out again and squinted his eyes. "Errrr..." Diving back inside he returned moments later with a small pair of mouse binoculars. He put the things to his eyes. "That way," he pointed to where he could just make out the tips of the leaves of the beanstalk.

"I'm not even going to ask..." muttered Goku as he watched the mouse with the binoculars. Quickly he began to run again.

Moments later the giant came crashing through the door.

"Fe... fi... foe... ahhh screw that!

This third class saiya-jin I'm a chasin',

better understand the wrath he's facin'.

Nicking my harp and my goose,

has just ensured his neck is in the noose!"

Vegeta the giant looked wildly around but couldn't see the fleeing dwarf for the clouds that swirled around. He paused in his flight and let his body settle. Once more he began to scan around and then... there!

Vegeta the giant could just make out the clouds moving unusually as a figure waded amongst them. "Now I have you!" he roared and took off after Goku again.

"Uh oh! For once I thought nature was going to be on our side," Goku muttered.

"Nothing is on your side," sang the harp, "Trust me I can smell it."

"Can't you shut up?"

"Why should I?" came the screeching melody.

"Ohhh my poor ears... I have a good mind to just drop you and leave you here."

"Please do. My giant will be more than happy to have me back and once he gets a hold of you, you will be nothing more than target practice," sang the harp.

"He should get you some singing lessons. Either that or you're in bad need of a tune up."

"Why you! How dare you insult me! I'll have you know.. oomph.. urrggg... phfft"

Goku looked down in surprise and then grinned. "Thanks."

"Hey, no problem," the mouse replied. "She was beginning to get on my ear drums as well." The mouse gave a twitch of his whiskers as he stuffed a little more of the cotton wadding into the harpy's mouth and then scampered back to the safety of Goku's shirt.

"I see it... I see it," called Goku as he picked out the shape of the beanstalk leaves against the backdrop of clouds. "Nearly there," he panted.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," the goose said as he awoke from his unconscious state to find himself being jerked around.

"If you are then make sure your head is facing that way," Goku puffed. "I don't need Goose goo all down my pants."

"Ohhh, my aching head. Hey, did you guys know the giant is after us?"

"Give the goose a medal," the mouse replied and then a tiny light bulb lit up above his head. "I have an idea."

"You do?"

"Goosey, can you lay an egg right now?"

"Errr... mousey I don't think now is the time to be thinking about food," Goku panted as he continued to run.

"Look who's talking," the mouse snapped. "I didn't say anything about food."

"Oh."

"Can you lay an egg now?" the mouse asked the goose once more.

The goose scrunched up its eyes and gave a grunt. "Yes, I think I could."

"Right then. Goku, you keep on running, goosey, you get ready to lay that egg. When you feel it's ready to pop out let me know and then Goku you lift the goose and aim its rear at the giant."

"Huh?" the two replied in unison.

"Just shut up and do what I said, okay?"

A few moments later the beanstalk was within 100 meters, but the giant had closed his distance to just 20.

"I think I'm ready," the goose said through pained eyes. Giving birth to hard, emerald eggs was not his favorite pastime.

"Right. Goku, aim the goose's rear at the giant's head.

Goku stopped and did as requested. He dropped the harp to the ground with a thunk and aimed the goose's rear at the advancing giant.

"When I say now, you shoot the egg out goosey... Goku, give him a little squeeze at the same time to help with the propulsion."

"Ohhh kayyy..."

"Now!"

Eyeball to eyeball with the goose and hearing the command, Goku squeezed, the goose's eyes clenched shut and he forced the egg from within.

*Poing*

The egg shot out of the rear end and with the extra boost to its speed, courtesy of Goku, it whizzed through the air like an atomic missile and hit Vegeta the giant right between the eyes.

Vegeta the giant swayed for a moment and then went crashing to the ground, stunned.

"What are you waiting for? Let's get going!" the mouse yelled.

Goku spun around and took off once more for the beanstalk, grabbing the harp as he went. He reached the foliage and securing the harp to his belt he began the task of climbing down.

"Ever thought of going into the military?" Goku asked the goose. "With that kind of fire power the enemy wouldn't stand a chance."

The mouse peeked out from within the shirt. "Give me strength," he muttered.

The goose just rolled his eyes.

tbc...


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: We don't own the DBZ crew, a rich Japanese man does. We don't own the original fairy tale "Jack and the Beanstalk" and we don't want to either.

Rating: PG 13

Warnings: Parody, humor, insanity (Havoc's not mine!)

Notes: This is going to be the first in what we hope to become the Fairy Tale arc... a series of fics that defy all logic by placing our wonderful heroes in well known fairy tales and in the process destroying all normal conception of said fairy tales. *insert evil grins here*

Archive: dragonball-diaries. 150m .com Anyone else who wants this bit of random insanity then just ask! ^_^

Goku and the not so Jolly Giant

January 2003 Debs-dragon & Havoc

* * *

Thank you to all who are reading and a big thanks for the kind reviews. Yes, this is a piece of insanity and I have no idea where half of the ideas and one liners came from - but it was a lot of fun to write and I'm just happy to know that others are getting a laugh from our warped sense of humor.

* * *

Part 6

Goku quickly found out that it wasn't as easy as it looked to climb down a beanstalk when you had a goose under one arm and a Harp tucked in your belt, especially when the said harp was doing it's damnedest to prevent your escape.

The harp swung back and forth with the movement of the body. With an evil glint in her eye the harp waited for her chance.

Goku was only aware of finding foot holds as he descended as rapidly as he dared. The harp bounced from his hip to smack him in the knees and then swing around to hit him in the rear and then repeat the process.

The harp was quite happy to belt Goku in the shins and on the rear, he was, after all, taking her away from her beloved giant. As she swung around towards Goku's hip again so her eyes widened. Here was her chance, the next swing should give her the momentum she needed to swing just that little bit closer to the opposite hip. She shook her strings and waited.

Goku scrambled down another *branch* and located a foothold, pushing his weight on to it he slipped his other foot down causing the harp to swing again and whack him in the knees. "Ow! Shit. Can't you watch where you're swin..." His little tirade was cut short however as the harp reached its intended target and flexed her strings.

Goku's eyes crossed and he froze in mid descent.

The mouse stuck his head out of the top of Goku's shirt to see what had halted their progress. He took one look at Goku's pained expression and his eyes traveled downwards. "Ouch! That's gotta hurt," he muttered.

"Too right it hurts," Goku responded, his voice several octaves higher. "Get her off... Ohhh please get her off." Tears were beginning to form at the corner of Goku's eyes.

"Now I have complete control over you." screeched the harp from her position at Goku's groin, her strings entangled rather tightly in the material and other bits of Goku's anatomy that weren't designed to accommodate harp strings.

"Not for long," yelled the mouse and promptly dived back inside Goku's shirt. He reappeared moments later carrying a small pair of scissors.

Goku saw the glint of the steel and whimpered. "Please be careful. I may be only one of a few of the Saiya-jin race left and I would like to pass on my genes."

"If you don't keep still you won't be wearing jeans in the future," growled the mouse as he scurried down Goku's form.

The harp saw him coming and her eyes opened wide. That mouse wasn't going to do what she thought he was... was he? Her strings trembled as she realized - he was.

Goku felt the tremble of the strings; rather painfully he might add.

The harp tried to release her strings but only succeeded in tangling them further in Goku's clothing. The mouse advanced and Goku broke out into a sweat. The harp watched as the mouse raised the scissors and then unable to bear it anymore, quickly shut her eyes. She heard the snip snip as the scissors cut but felt nothing. She cracked open an eye to see what had happened and then wished she hadn't.

Goku also shut his eyes as the mouse raised the scissors to cut. After a few moments the pressure eased and he was assaulted by a cool breeze. Cautiously he opened his eyes and looked down.

The harp continued to swing again, free from the entanglement of Goku's lower regions, but her strings were intact. Instead, they were still holding onto shreds of Goku's pants.

Goku's eyes took in the rather large hole that appeared in the front of his Gi. "What the?"

"You're free from her clutches aren't you?" the mouse squeaked.

"Well yes... But..."

"Just think of it as a new fashion statement in zippers."

"I am so glad I put on underwear today," Goku muttered.

"So am I," came the unified response from the harp and the mouse.

Once more Goku began his descent, only this time a little faster as it was getting rather chilly in some places.

Meanwhile...

Vegeta the giant had managed to drag himself from his dazed state. He raised himself up and lifted a hand to his forehead where a rather large lump was beginning to appear. He rubbed at it for a moment and winced.

"Damn that goose. I knew I should have had goose instead of turkey for Christmas," he muttered as he swayed lightly on his feet.

As his head cleared a little so he was reminded of his current task. That scrawny person was making off with his goose and harp. With a grunt Vegeta the giant began to head for the beanstalk up ahead. Moments later he reached it and peered down.

"Geeze I hate heights."

Grasping hold of the top of the stalk he gingerly felt for a foothold and began to climb down after the Saiya-jin that had nicked his property.

Goku looked up as he felt the beanstalk wobble. "Aww crap!"

"What is it?" asked the mouse as he stuck his head out of the top of Goku's shirt.

Goku pointed up.

"Aww crap!"

"I just said that."

The mouse chose to ignore that, instead, his beady little eyes watched as the spandex clad rear appeared to be getting bigger.

"Any suggestions?" Goku asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Hurry up and get to the bottom and pray that he doesn't pass wind?" the mouse said with an innocent expression.

"Great, now he decides to become a comedian." Goku rolled his eyes. "I could get there a lot faster if I didn't have all this excess baggage," he said as he indicated to the harp and the goose.

"Don't blame me for that. You're the one who wanted to take them."

"Only 'cause I reckon it would keep Chi Chi off my back after the mix up with the cow and all."

"Stop whining and move it, in case you had missed it there is a great blue rear end heading our way and it's attached to a pair of very strong hands."

"Oh yeah." Goku immediately began to climb down again.

Vegeta the giant could see the small figure below him. "Soon I'll have you in my clutches. I'll teach you to pinch my things."

"Damn this harp and goose," Goku muttered. He was about half way down but the giant was gaining. Goku had an idea. "I'll let the harp go and pick it up when I get to the bottom," he said to himself as he paused and reached for his belt.

"What are you doing now?" the mouse asked from his usual spot.

"I'm gonna let the harp drop, then I can tie the goose to me and have both hands free to climb down. I can't toss the goose down as he can't fly."

"Don't you dare drop me again," the goose responded, "or I'll never lay another egg again."

The harp's eyes opened wide as she realized what Goku was about to do. Before she could protest in any way, which really would have been useless anyway seeing as how her mouth was still stuffed with the cotton and parts of Goku's pants were still tangled in her strings, Goku had plucked her from his belt and was holding her out ready to let go.

"Hang on a minute, you can't do that the harp will..."

Goku let go.

"...break."

*Thud*

*Screech*

"Or maybe not." The mouse peered down to where the harp had landed. On Chi Chi's head.

Goku stared wide eyed. "Uh oh... She's not going to be too happy when she wakes up."

"Never mind her, what about him?"

"Ack!" Goku quickly stuffed the goose down the front of his pants and scrambled once more down the beanstalk.

"Air... I need air..." the goose complained.

"Shut up and stay still," Goku muttered.

The goose continued to wriggle around and Goku began to laugh and giggle as he slipped and jolted his way down. "Stop it. That tickles."

"I can't help it," the goose replied. "It's hot and stuffy in here."

"Keep this up and our goose will be well and truly cooked," the mouse mumbled.

"It's not my fault," Goku snapped.

"Fine, just hurry up. Spandex man is gaining."

"Damn!"

Goku managed somehow to slip and slither his way down, keeping just that bit ahead of the giant, which wasn't all that easy with a goose down your pants, a mouse up your shirt, a beanstalk that kept wobbling and a soon to be rather peed off wife awaiting.

Finally he reached the bottom and with a relieved sigh yanked the goose from his pants. "At last," he said as he dropped the goose to the earth and proceeded to scratch at himself as most football players, cricket players and any other sportsmen seem to do.

"It's not over yet," the mouse stated and pointed back to the beanstalk which was shaking more violently with the closer the Giant came.

"Now what?"

"Grab something to chop it down with," the mouse yelled. "Shit! Am I the only one with any brains in this outfit?"

Goku took off into the house. "Now what the heck can I use to cut that thing down with?" He yanked open drawers and cupboards as he searched for something to use. "Ah ha!"

Grabbing the implement he charged back outside to the beanstalk.

####

to be concluded.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: We don't own the DBZ crew, a rich Japanese man does. We don't own the original fairy tale "Jack and the Beanstalk" and we don't want to either.

Rating: PG 13

Warnings: Parody, humor, insanity (Havoc's not mine!)

Notes: This is going to be the first in what we hope to become the Fairy Tale arc... a series of fics that defy all logic by placing our wonderful heroes in well known fairy tales and in the process destroying all normal conception of said fairy tales. *insert evil grins here*

Archive: dragonball-diaries. 150m. com Anyone else who wants this bit of random insanity then just ask! ^_^

* * *

Thank you to all for the kind reviews, your feedback is very much appreciated. Now, without further ado, here is the final instalment in this piece of madness.

* * *

Goku and the not so Jolly Giant

January 2003 Debs-dragon & Havoc

Part 7

The beanstalk shook and trembled as the Giant continued his descent.

"Hurry up!" the mouse yelled.

"I'm coming!" replied Goku as he skidded to a halt next to the beanstalk.

The mouse took one look at the item and rolled his eyes. "Just how the heck do you propose to cut this thing down with that!?"

"What's wrong with it?" Goku asked as he looked at the pen knife.

"Give me strength!" the mouse said. "If that's the best you can do then I suggest you get cutting and pray a lot." The mouse began to scamper off.

"Hey! Where are you going, mousie?" Goku called.

"Somewhere safe," the mouse replied as he disappeared.

"Thanks a lot," Goku muttered as he began to saw at the trunk of the beanstalk.

Vegeta the giant felt the tremble of the beanstalk and looked down. He could see the small Saiya-jin hacking away. "Well that won't get him very far," he thought to himself and then gave a sneer. "I'll have you soon you thieving brat," he yelled and again continued on his way down.

"Oh poop, oh poop..." Goku muttered as he redoubled his efforts. A groan to the side froze him and he turned slowly to see Chi Chi toss the harp to one side and rub her head.

Chi Chi's vision began to clear. She looked around to see what had hit her and her eyes fell on the harp she had just moved. She blinked.

"What the heck are you staring at?" the harp screeched.

Chi Chi's eyes narrowed as she took in the form of the woman that graced the harp. She glanced from the harp to Goku and back again. "If you were that intent on finding another woman you could at least have found one that didn't have strings attached!" she yelled at Goku.

Goku turned his head. "Huh?" He then realized what Chi Chi was referring to. "Ummm... Chi Chi darling, it's not like that at all I swear... You see there was the giant, and this goose and then the mouse told me too... Oh crap! Chi Chi!" Goku ducked as Chi Chi took a swing at him, and missed.

She connected with the bean stalk instead.

"I'll teach you to cheat on me Goku, not to mention make up wild stories about the giant." Chi Chi took another swing, Goku ducked again and the blow connected with the bean stalk once more.

"Uh oh." Goku looked at the bean stalk which was shaking violently, and not from the giant either. The pitiful cut he had made in the trunk had been enlarged where Chi Chi's blows had connected and now the monstrous thing was beginning to crack and splinter. With a yell of "Timber!" Goku followed the direction the mouse had taken.

The giant paused in his downward rush, the stalk teetering underneath his weight. "Something tells me this is not good," he muttered to himself.

Moments later the bean stalk began to collapse, tilting at a precarious angle towards the tiny house/shack/hut/hovel.

"My house/shack/hut/hovel! " screamed Chi Chi.

Goku peeked out from underneath the rusty pile of scrap he was hiding in with the mouse as he heard Chi Chi's angry scream. He saw the incline of the bean stalk and acted on impulse. His hand shot out and he summoned the energy ball; aiming at the stalk, he fired off, putting everything he had into the shot. The beam connected and the stalk shuddered as it was ripped from the ground and sent flying upward - giant still attached.

"I knew this wasn't going to be a good day," the giant sighed as he was propelled skywards.

The bean stalk and its pilot continued their ascent only to be reclaimed by the forces of gravity moments later.

Chi Chi stopped in mid rant as the stalk and its occupant were diverted from the house/shack/hut/hovel and sent to places unknown. Eyes wide in disbelief, she watched until the stalk and the giant were mere specks in the sky. Then she turned her attention back to Goku.

Goku saw the glitter in those eyes and wished for the earth to swallow him up.

"I think you have a lot of explaining to do, Goku. I can't wait to hear what your excuses are this time. A goose I can understand, I mean we have to eat after all, but a female? And an off key one at that?! I suggest you start now..."

Chi Chi was again interrupted as a funny noise was heard. "Don't tell me that was your stomach growling again?"

"Nope, not this time," Goku replied. He looked around to see where the noise was coming from.

Chi Chi also looked about and then turned her gaze skywards. "Agggghhhhhh! Incoming!" She ran as quickly as her legs would carry her as the shadow that had started above them grew in intensity.

Goku turned his eyes to the heavens. "I don't believe this."

"Well I do and I'm out of here," the mouse yelled and high tailed it as far away from the house/shack/hut/hovel as it could get.

The bean stalk was making its re-entry, the giant still clinging to it.

Goku never stood a chance.

*Thud*

The stalk, complete with giant, landed square on him. One moment everything was just peachy and then...

Greenness invaded his head as he was knocked unconscious by the weight of the giant and the stalk.

#

"Goku... Goku..."

The voice drifted to his ears from far away.

"Goku... Goku, wake up!"

Goku was inclined to stay floating in this nice hazy place.

"Goku, dammit! WAKE UP!"

*Whack*

Now that caused his eyes to flicker open. "Chi Chi?" he mumbled.

"Who else were you expecting? The tooth fairy?"

Goku's eyes opened wide. "Hey, Chi Chi, you're back in your normal clothes." He looked around the house. "And the house/shack/hut/hovel is back to normal as well."

"What on earth are you going on about, Goku?"

"Well there was this giant, and this harp and a goose that laid emerald eggs, and your dad was a cow..."

*Slap*

"Don't you dare call my father a cow."

"Sorry. But we were poor and there was this mouse and these beans..."

"Goku? You sure you didn't get into the cheese again before retiring last night? I have told you time and time again about that, it will give you nightmares," Chi Chi ranted. "You slept out here again in the chair, didn't you?" Chi Chi's voice continued to drone on.

Goku rubbed his eyes. A dream? Is that all it had been, just a dream? He saw Gohan from the corner of his eye playing outside in the yard. He smiled to himself.

A mouse ran across the floor behind Chi Chi, catching Goku's attention. It held a small piece of cheese in its front paws. Just before its mouse hole it stopped and turned around to face Goku. The mouse stared at the Saiya-jin... and winked.

~ Fin ~


End file.
